Mercuriosities

A wealthy man, who owned a small estate, sent out a notice to any unmarried women containing the description of what would make this man’s perfect wife.

” Notice to UNMARRIED Women.

A man in Edinburghshire, who never was married, being near thirty years of age, has above 900l. with a small estate. In sincerity he wants a women to be his spouse that is truly pious, and has a taste for cleanliness. Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a women that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.-Prov.xxxi.50.                                                                           Any young women whom this may suit, will please address to A.B. to be left at the Printing-office, and the Advertiser will wait on her.                                        O virtuous female, think no shame,                                                                  To take the pen and write your name;                                                              I shall the subject secret handle,                                                                      And keep you free from any scandal.”

Stamford Mercury, 13th January, 1809.

In our days of instant communication, it might appear odd that over a century ago, the Royal Mail was very much NOT ‘snail mail’!

“Commencing on Monday next, 6th inst., there will be on week-days four deliveries of letters and parcels throughout the town instead of three only as hitherto, these will be made at 7.0 and 10.0 a.m., and at 3.0 and 8.0 p.m. A great advantage will be gained inasmuch as the letters now delivered at 12 will be received two hours earlier, and four-fifths of those formerly delivered at 7.0 p.m. will, under the new arrangement, be dealt with at 3.0 p.m. and the delivery at 8.0 p.m. will include all letters posted in the afternoon in the Rural districts served by Stamford, such letters have in the past been delayed until the following morning.  It is estimated that not less than 6000 letters a week will be appreciably accelerated.  The collections also from the various town boxes will be made more frequently, and will fit in more closely with the different despatches from the Head Office.  The first collection will be made between 4.30 and 5.30 a.m., and correspondence will fall into the morning delivery in the Stamford Town and Rural districts an the first despatches to Peterborough and London.”

Stamford Mercury, 3rd April, 1908.

A severe ‘serjeant’ at Volunteer Corps shouted at a recruit after he grumbled during a drill and began to speak when he shouldn’t have.

” A serjeant drilling a Volunteer Corps a few days ago, was peculiarly severe on a gentleman, whom he did not fail to tax as amazingly stupid and aukward. The recruit grumbled, and was beginning to reply, when Kile stopped him by exclaiming, Hold your tongue, Sir; a soldier is only allowed to open his mouth twice in the ranks; once when his name is called, and again to bite off the end of his cartridge.”

Stamford Mercury, 16th September 1803

Man-mountain, Daniel Lambert had been been drafted to serve in the Leicestershire militia – how many men will he be worth?

” The celebrated Mr. Daniel Lambert has been balloted to serve in the militia for the county of Leicester! It is supposed this man-mountain will serve by substitute; but how many men in buckram should in fairness grow out of this one, who is in himself a host, is a matter that the Deputy-Lieutenants have not yet determined upon.”

Stamford Mercury, 6th November 1807.

Stories of people being suddenly struck dumb by divine intervention were not as uncommon as this piece suggests, but here it is used as a salutary lesson for blasphemers.

“An awful instance of divine correction, of a nature which cannot fail to be admonitorily applied by all who hear of it, was experienced by a young man in this town on Monday last.  Whilst giving reins to a vehemence of passion, and impiously uttering the most blasphemous expressions, he was, by visitation of Providence, suddenly struck dumb!  Under this affliction, and in a state of mind, from remorse and contrition, the most deplorable, the unhappy young man, has remained ever since his intemperate and wicked behaviour and the infliction of this signal mark of divine displeasure.  Amongst the light and incongruous materials of a newspaper, relations of a tenor so solemn as this so rarely occur, that we hope it will make a lasting and useful impression upon the profane, whether from principle or inadvertency.”

Stamford Mercury, 14th June, 1805.

London news was generally serious items from Parliament and the Court, but, just as today we have ‘and finally’ items in news broadcasts, there were often amusing snippets reported at the end:

“A few days since, a gentleman very gravely wrote to another – ‘Sir, you have deprived me of the very best friend I had on my back.”  Upon examination, it appeared that the latter had neglected to return a borrowed Great Coat.

“A woman, lately brought before a Country Magistrate, and behaving with much confidence, was told by his worship that she had brass enough in her face to make a five-gallon kettle.  ‘Yes,’ answered she, ‘and there is sap enough in your head to fill it!’ ”

Stamford Mercury 2nd December, 1808.

During their time at Chatham, French prisoners used to gamble food and clothes away to their fellow comrades. Some had “naked luck” and some even starved.

” There is such an irresistible spirit of gambling existing among the French prisoners lately arrived at Chatham from Norman Cross, that many of them have been almost entirely naked during the late severe weather, having lost their clothes, not excepting even their shirts and small clothes,  to some of their fellow prisoners; many of them are also reduced to the chance of starving by the same means, having lost seven or eight days’ provision to their fortunate comrades, who never fail to exact their winnings. The effervescence of mind that this diabolical pursuit gives rise to, is often exemplified in the conduct of these infatuated captives, rendering them remarkably turbulent and unruly. On Saturday a quarrel arose between two of them in course of play, when one of them, who lost his clothes and food, received a severe stab in the back with a large knife from his companion, whose anger had been kindled by the invectives which a run of ill luck had excited in his adversary. Every care was taken of the wounded man by surgeons.”

Stamford Mercury, 18th December 1807.

An overly-confident man crashed his horse drawn cart into a mud-cart, after attempting to show his skill with a whip. The end results were fast and filthy.

” Thursday a gentleman, desirous of exhibiting his skill in the science of the whip, ascended the box of his own landaulet, drawn by a pair of capital horses, and driving furiously down Fleet-street, came in contact with a mud-cart, which was stationary, and nearly full. The concussion was so great as to precipitate him completely into the filth collected therein, from which he emerged sufficiently soused, by the assistance of the scavengers, to the no small diversion of the surrounding throng.”

Stamford Mercury 6th November, 1807.

To lighten the air after reports of heavy parliamentary debates, this charming verse about marriage in Heaven appears at the end of the news from London.

“Cries Celia to a Reverend Dean,

What Reason can be given,

Since Marriage is a Holy Thing,

That there is none in Heaven.

 

There are no Women, he reply’d:

She quick returns the Jest;

Women there are, but I’m afraid,

They cannot find a Priest.”

 

Stamford Mercury 17th March, 1737.

The Frock Discarded

Society ladies cast off their dresses and start a new fashion trend. Sporting new outfits for events, they catch the eye of the local media.

“LADY CATHERINE WILLOUGHBY is now numbered among the members of the very smart young set in Mayfair who have adopted coloured shorts for tennis and at Lady Crossfield’s big garden party disported herself in a pair of pink pale crepe with a black belt.

Her equally energetic sister, Lady Priscilla, never misses an opportunity to play polo, and, and in spite of the great heat, was thoroughly enjoying herself at Hurlingham.

Lady Priscilla, by the way, like her sister-in-law, has been taking on quite a lot of public social work- opening fetes, bazaars, etc.-in Stamford district lately, but, if I remember aright, we have still to have the pleasure of seeing Lady Catherine in like role in the area.”

Stamford Mercury 27th July, 1934.